My story part I

Let me tell you a bit about me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar two years ago, and diagnosed with depression a year before that. The problem with being diagnosed as having depression when you are truly bipolar is the anti-depressants can send you into a manic episode. That's what happened to me.

I always had the genetic 'makeup' for bipolar, but it was kinda like a bear in hibernation, sleeping and dormant. When I lost my virginity on a weekend trip with a guy I barely knew, I was filled with guilt. The next year or so was spent going back and forth between wanting to do the right thing, and pretty much living with this guy.

There was one night I was hurting and mad at him, so I 'hooked' up with another guy. The only person that I hurt that night was me. He never knew.

I remember sitting on my bed by myself later that night, crying and hating myself for not having more control over my emotions. That night I decided I was tired of feeling guilty. So I was not going to anymore. What that entailed was a lot of running. No stopping. To be able to not feel guilty, I couldn't stop. Constantly on the phone, watching TV, drinking, hanging out with someone, or take my sleeping pills to pass out.

It seemed like everything I felt I had to react with 'doing' something. If I was hurt, lonely, hyper, angry, or anything, I would 'do' something. I couldn't just sit and feel. In the course of two years, I maxed out credits cards; worked countless jobs, sometimes for a day or two at a time; worked in strip clubs; moved to California for a guy I met at a bar, just to move back 5 days later; lived out of my car with my one friend, my cockatiel Lily; lived with any guy that would let me; and completely alienated myself from anything positive.

that's all I am going to write right now. I'll write more later. Please feel free to tell me your story or ask questions.