A constant battle of mine is telling myself I'm dumb and worthless and reminding myself that who I am is God's (papa as I like to call Him) child. He is especially fond of me and I need to constantly remind myself that who I am is NOT the person that struggles back and forth with the thoughts and feelings of my mood swings.
God has provided an abundant amount of people that help, care, pray and relate to me. Part of the reason for starting this blog is selfish. I want to be able to be understood by someone in my situation. I want to help someone with their issues so that my rocky past might be of some good.
I watched a movie last night with my husband called 'Reign Over Me'. It's about a man that loses his wife and three daughters in 9/11 and lives in a state of denial; a childlike state. He has Post Traumatic Stress and has blocked out the memories. In the end, he deals with it a bit, but people want to have him put in a mental hospital, and it's eventually decided he just needs to find his own way.
I hated this movie. Over the course of two hours, he shared his pain with his friend and talk to his in-laws, but he was still very broken.
That is how I feel. I share my story and my pain, but ultimately I am the one that goes home with it. Everyone else gets to leave it. I am still broken. And it hurts.
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8 comments:
Oh man, Heather. Your last statement hit me like a ton of bricks. "That is how I feel. I share my story and my pain, but ultimately I am the one that goes home with it. Everyone else gets to leave it. I am still broken. And it hurts."
My stomach is in knots right now.
I'm not sure what to say, except that when I read that statement, I had flashbacks to my PPD. By the grace of God, I was healed. But you have to deal with this constantly, day in and day out. No matter how much other people say they understand, and they are so sorry for what you are going through, or that they are praying for you, or they cry with you and for you, or that it will get better, or give you bible verses to encourage you, or spend every waking hour with you so you wont harm yourself- you still feel all alone, and you are still in the pit of hell, battling the demons within your head. It's horrible. And so, even though I've been in the pit myself, I dont know what to say. All the cliche's are just that- cliche's. What can I say? There's nothing I CAN say. And maybe just the fact that I remember that cliche's dont help will help? I dont know. Thanks for reminding me to be careful not to use cliche's with somone who's going through hell. Sometimes it's better just to not say anything at all. How can I walk with you? Bev
Heather - I haven't been in that pit, but I am encouraged when I see how brave you are to share your story and also your desire to help others. You ARE a precious child of God!!!! I'll try not to use any cliche's as Bev was saying, but just know that I respect you SO much for your courage!
Heather,
Thanks for emailing me and mentioning your blog, which I just read. I'm glad you're expressing your heart like this. May it help others and you too. I love you.
Hope you don't mind that my dad passed on this address...
THANK YOU so much for helping me understand more about you and this disease. I am so proud of you and love you so much! I know God has done and will continue to do powerful things in your life. Let's get together and catch up, okay?
Heather thanks for being transparent enough to talk about it. Girl - you are loved - and you are wise (more than you probably know.)
When you're ready to turn in on yourself - don't forget to pick up your phone and call. Love ya - Kath
Great Job,hess. You're very insightful. I think you're very brave. I love you. Mom
Im very proud of you, Hess. You're very brave. You're still my hero. I love you. Mom
Heather,
I am so proud of you for being so brave. Please focus on your coment "I am just as God made me...Papa is especially fond of me!!" So, with that in mind you can't be broken, battling and struggling, but not broken. I am here for you and with you.
I love U
Hubby
Y
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