Lately I've been struggling a whole lot. I'm not exactly sure what is happening, but I'm losing my purpose to live. I'm hanging on, trying to remind myself of the truth that I am valuable to God and he has a future and a hope for me. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing it.
I go back and forth on wanting to be honest about what's going on in my life and wanting to shut everyone out. Putting myself out there in this blog is good for me ultimately because once it's out there, there's no going back. And that forces me to deal with what is going on.
In my Bible study we going through 1 Peter. It talks a lot about suffering and I wondered if that was only when we are suffering for what we believe, or daily struggles as well. I'm not persecuted for what I believe so I was discouraged that what I go through is just my problem and not a trial. But I read a blog that Randy Alcorn had written about Charles Spurgeon and he talks about the sufferings of daily life and how depression can be that.
Depression causes me to constantly realize I can't get through a single day and sometimes a single moment without realized how badly I need God to survive. I have to remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Just the way God intended.
But I still tell myself that i don't like me. That I'm worthless. It's so difficult. I hate it.

From one scarred hand to the other

I'm having a hard day today. I've been working on a puzzle and listening to music on my husband's ipod. It was on random and a song from Casting Crowns called 'East to West' came on. It hit me cause it's what I've been feeling and trying to explain but couldn't put into words.

"East to West"

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Jesus You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
rising up in me again
In your arms of Your mercy I find rest
cause You know how far the east is from the west
from one scarred hand to the other

(Casting Crowns)

That's the truth I need to hold on to.

I love myself; I hate myself

A constant battle of mine is telling myself I'm dumb and worthless and reminding myself that who I am is God's (papa as I like to call Him) child. He is especially fond of me and I need to constantly remind myself that who I am is NOT the person that struggles back and forth with the thoughts and feelings of my mood swings.

God has provided an abundant amount of people that help, care, pray and relate to me. Part of the reason for starting this blog is selfish. I want to be able to be understood by someone in my situation. I want to help someone with their issues so that my rocky past might be of some good.

I watched a movie last night with my husband called 'Reign Over Me'. It's about a man that loses his wife and three daughters in 9/11 and lives in a state of denial; a childlike state. He has Post Traumatic Stress and has blocked out the memories. In the end, he deals with it a bit, but people want to have him put in a mental hospital, and it's eventually decided he just needs to find his own way.

I hated this movie. Over the course of two hours, he shared his pain with his friend and talk to his in-laws, but he was still very broken.

That is how I feel. I share my story and my pain, but ultimately I am the one that goes home with it. Everyone else gets to leave it. I am still broken. And it hurts.

Information on how friends and family can help

Help for family and friends

Remember, you’re not the only person living with bipolar disorder. If your symptoms are not properly managed, friends and family may feel confused by your changes in mood.

Some family members may benefit from individual therapy to help them work through their frustrations. It may be constructive for you and your family to attend family therapy together. This can help promote understanding and strengthen relationships. Don’t be afraid to ask for help Friends and family can be a tremendous source of support.

Members of your support network, including family, friends, healthcare professionals, and others living with bipolar disorder, can be an important source of support. Below are some talking points that could help. Talking to friends and family The people closest to you may want to help, but they may not have a good understanding of bipolar disorder and the impact it has on your mood and behavior. You can help them help you by explaining that bipolar disorder is a medical condition thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. You can even suggest some reading or a website about bipolar disorder.
Depending on your needs, the people closest to you can help you by:

• Encouraging you to stick with your treatment and avoid harmful habits
• Learning the warning signs of episodes. It is helpful if both you and those closest to you learn to differentiate between a good day and hypomania, and between a bad day and depression
• Sharing responsibility for care. This can reduce the stress that caring for someone with bipolar disorder may bring and can prevent emotional fatigue or resentment
• Letting you recover at your own pace and avoiding the extremes of expecting too much or too little
• Planning ahead with you. Take advantage of stable periods to make arrangements for the future. Discuss when to take action, such as withholding credit cards, restricting bank accounts, hiding car keys, and hospitalization
• Taking advantage of support groups You may be able to reduce stresses that can lead to more severe episodes by making small adjustments in your everyday life.
• Wake up at a consistent time every morning. Go to bed around the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning. An episode can be triggered by chemical changes in your body brought on by a disrupted sleep pattern
• Avoid harmful things like smoking, alcohol, and illegal street drugs. Even a small amount of alcohol or an illicit drug may trigger an episode, disrupt your sleep pattern, and interfere with your medicine
• Eat healthy foods like fruits, vegetables, fish, and grains. Try to limit fast food, snack foods, sugar, and caffeine
• Keep busy with things you enjoy. Consider drawing, writing, reading, and walking or other exercise. Before starting a diet or exercise program, talk to your healthcare professional
• Reduce stress at work and at home. Try to maintain regular, predictable hours.

Remember, avoiding a mood episode will help you be more productive in the long run. It helps to anticipate stressful situations such as holiday activities or childcare issues so you can ask loved ones for help and support

(from www.bipolaroptions.com)

My story part I

Let me tell you a bit about me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar two years ago, and diagnosed with depression a year before that. The problem with being diagnosed as having depression when you are truly bipolar is the anti-depressants can send you into a manic episode. That's what happened to me.

I always had the genetic 'makeup' for bipolar, but it was kinda like a bear in hibernation, sleeping and dormant. When I lost my virginity on a weekend trip with a guy I barely knew, I was filled with guilt. The next year or so was spent going back and forth between wanting to do the right thing, and pretty much living with this guy.

There was one night I was hurting and mad at him, so I 'hooked' up with another guy. The only person that I hurt that night was me. He never knew.

I remember sitting on my bed by myself later that night, crying and hating myself for not having more control over my emotions. That night I decided I was tired of feeling guilty. So I was not going to anymore. What that entailed was a lot of running. No stopping. To be able to not feel guilty, I couldn't stop. Constantly on the phone, watching TV, drinking, hanging out with someone, or take my sleeping pills to pass out.

It seemed like everything I felt I had to react with 'doing' something. If I was hurt, lonely, hyper, angry, or anything, I would 'do' something. I couldn't just sit and feel. In the course of two years, I maxed out credits cards; worked countless jobs, sometimes for a day or two at a time; worked in strip clubs; moved to California for a guy I met at a bar, just to move back 5 days later; lived out of my car with my one friend, my cockatiel Lily; lived with any guy that would let me; and completely alienated myself from anything positive.

that's all I am going to write right now. I'll write more later. Please feel free to tell me your story or ask questions.

bipolar options

Bipolar disorder is a recurrent illness that can seriously affect the lives of those
who have it and their families. The extreme mood swings can affect the physical,
emotional, and social functioning of those involved.
But you do not have to go through this experience alone.
Members of your support network, including family, friends, healthcare
professionals, and others living with bipolar disorder, can be an important source
of support. Below are some talking points that could help.

Living with bipolar disorder is a challenge millions face every day
Taking ownership of your condition is the first step toward taking control.
Knowledge helps a lot – understanding yourself, your symptoms, and the side
effects of your current treatment.

(from www.bipolaroptions.com)

Interesting explanation of what's going on in the brain

While the causes of bipolar disorder are still unknown, symptoms are thought to be caused by an imbalance of some key chemicals in the brain.

The brain is madeup of billions of nerve cells that move a constant stream of information from one cell to another. To keep the information flowing, the cells release chemicals known as “neurotransmitters” that are needed for brain function.
Many scientists believe that when the levels of these neurotransmitters are too high or too low, it may result in symptoms of bipolar disorder, such as extreme happiness, irritability, sadness, or a lack of energy.
Manic episodes is when the levels of the neurotransmitters are too high.
Depressive episodes have levels of neurotransmitters that are too low.

(from www.bipolaroptions.com)

Understanding bipolar disorder

People with bipolar disorder experience extreme mood swings or episodes that can take three different forms: manic, depressive, and mixed episodes.

In a manic episode, they may experience an elevated (extremely happy)mood for at least one week, often described as feeling “on top of the world.”
Others may feel very agitated and act uncooperative and aggressive, which can be frightening for themselves and others.
Generally, these episodes result in consequences that must be dealt with after the symptoms fade.

Additional symptoms may include:

• Talking too fast or too much

• Risky or impulsive behavior, like sexual promiscuityor excessive spending sprees

• Delusions (believing things that aren’t true), paranoia (feeling unusually fearfulor suspicious of others) and hallucinations (sensing things that aren’t real)

In a depressive episode, people with bipolar disorder may have overwhelming feelings of emptiness and sadness for at least two weeks. They may find themselves unable to leave the house, answer the phone, or even get out of bed.

Other symptoms include:

• A lack of energy

• A loss of interest in things

• Thoughts of dying or suicide

In a mixed episode, both manic and depressive symptoms are present at the same time.

(from www.bipolaroptions.com)

Understanding bipolar part 2

Bipolar disorder is a serious condition, and each individual’s symptom pattern
is different.
One person may have weeks of depression followed by a few
days of mania.
Another may experience both mania and depression in one
day.
Mania drives some people to start projects they can’t finish, pick fights
with loved ones or act out at work. Others gamble, go on spending sprees or
abuse alcohol or drugs. And facing the consequences of a manic
episode can be challenging.
-So how do you achieve effective symptom control? By working with your healthcare professional to fully understand your condition, and your symptoms, you have a better chance of finding the stability you’re looking for.

(from www.bipolaroptions.com)

Hi, I'm heather

My mother and I have spoken a few times and shared about my bipolar and how it has affected our family and the choices that I made. It has been amazing to see the responses and so good to know that something good has come out of this mess I made. As I go through learning each day to handle my bipolar better and make steps toward getting better, I'd like to write about it and hopefully help someone along the way.

If you have anyone in your life that is bipolar, if you yourself are bipolar, or you just have questions, please feel free to leave me a note!

God works everything for the good...